After all you put me through You'd think I'd despise you

Secundum!

2009-10-26T18:46:17Z

it's been so long

2009-06-29T09:16:45Z

since i wrote here.
not sure neither what language to use nor what to write about. i think i just miss speaking up. sounds like there's a lot inside of me; as i've been holding it down, not letting out.
there're too many feelings at once: happiness and anger, freedom and fear, excitement and boredom...

well, may be that will be a start to my new level here in Ljournal.
may be at last i'll not be scared of this total monitoring of my ex...
may be for God's sake i'll be able to write what i really feel and not hide myself inside!

May be - we will see )

please read this entry!!!

2008-10-10T04:53:55Z

Hi everybody - i really need some help from the public.
i have a freind, she's a girl of 16, and she's disabled. However, her mind always wanders around and she's such an interesting person to have a conversation with about ANYTHING at all!

well, she's participating in a movie contest, and she needs her rating. please click the link below and that'll be your vote!
thank you -- and enjoy her movies - it'll take less than 3 minutes!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S38cmroI3_Y

that's her Mom's letter

Hello, friends and family.

Our daughter, Aubrie Lee, is entering a video contest that is geared towards promoting healthy
habits for children. She has been having a fun time using her creative artistry and enlistin
the help of her siblings to produce a series of very short public service announcements (PSAs).
She has submitted a sampling of her work to the Small Steps Ad Campaign contest. In order
for her submission to qualify for the finals, she must get as many "hits" as possible to her
entry on You Tube.

Please help us by clicking on the link below. If you would like to post feedback, that would be
great, but even just viewing the entry will win her credits. Please also feel free to pass this
message along to any of your friends.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S38cmroI3_Y

why do add me to your freind list?

2008-10-09T20:29:19Z

i can't get it. WHO IN THE WORLD ARE ALL THOSE PEOPLE?!
I don't write extra interesting stuff in my LJ; in fact, in think it's so boring.
why r u keep on ading me as your friend? well REALLY WHY>!

i mean, why do even bother to find me, huh?!

somehow it makes me anxious and i'd think ADDITIONALLY next time i post. especially in public...

oh well God be with you, People

say hi to Alberto

2008-09-20T05:12:28Z

My 21st birthday
SJ club. first time party...

cupertino park...

nut_asha @ 2008-08-21T22:10:00

2008-08-22T05:08:12Z

hey, do you like my new profile?!

a war

2008-08-10T04:12:08Z

http://allmedia.ru/headlineitem.asp?id=478263

my GOSH!!! that's so scary: the war is going on and it's cruel, it's without rules, just like in those hollywood movies. i'm scared. there's a piece from other's journal

Запись вчерашняя.

Я жив! Спасибо всем за поддержку, она нам всем сейчас очень нужна. Город разрушен полностью, как в Сталинграде, бои идут за каждый дом. Пока всё по возможности буду писать дальше... Но не обещаюВот послушайте на досуге. Это Наши Волгоградские ребята. Телефон дохнет. Будет возможность буду писать. Сейчас Россиские войска на окраине республики. В лесу зачистка. Мы отобрали 2 грузинских танка и пару сожгли. Предстоит тяжёлая ночь! Я не знаю живы ли сестра и родители. На моих глазах в машине сгорели отец и ребёнок, но перед этим им отстрелили пол черепа, мозги повсюду...

Запись сегодняшняя.

Готовимся к обороне. Говорят, что Саакашвили хочет реванша. Сегодня убили моего соседа Яника и его отца. У Яника остались 2 ребенка, дочь и сын - годик и четыре года. Из моего взвода я нашел 6 человек после боя! Другие пропали. Не могу найти друга, он участвовал в боях у села Прис и после боя не вышел на связь. Грузины очень нечеловечны. Сегодня я видел как они стреляли по машине с грудным ребёнком. Отца и ребенка убило от выстрела танка. Они сгорели в машине. Выжила только мать. Она рвала на себе волосы спрашивая себя почему осталась жива.
Запись вчерашняя.

Я жив! Спасибо всем за поддержку, она нам всем сейчас очень нужна. Город разрушен полностью, как в Сталинграде, бои идут за каждый дом. Пока всё по возможности буду писать дальше... Но не обещаюВот послушайте на досуге. Это Наши Волгоградские ребята. Телефон дохнет. Будет возможность буду писать. Сейчас Россиские войска на окраине республики. В лесу зачистка. Мы отобрали 2 грузинских танка и пару сожгли. Предстоит тяжёлая ночь! Я не знаю живы ли сестра и родители. На моих глазах в машине сгорели отец и ребёнок, но перед этим им отстрелили пол черепа, мозги повсюду...

Запись сегодняшняя.

Готовимся к обороне. Говорят, что Саакашвили хочет реванша. Сегодня убили моего соседа Яника и его отца. У Яника остались 2 ребенка, дочь и сын - годик и четыре года. Из моего взвода я нашел 6 человек после боя! Другие пропали. Не могу найти друга, он участвовал в боях у села Прис и после боя не вышел на связь. Грузины очень нечеловечны. Сегодня я видел как они стреляли по машине с грудным ребёнком. Отца и ребенка убило от выстрела танка. Они сгорели в машине. Выжила только мать. Она рвала на себе волосы спрашивая себя почему осталась жива.

russian food

2008-08-09T07:57:26Z

gosh, russians ration IS AWESOME!!!
levada-center conduction: http://allmedia.ru/headlineitem.asp?id=478263

comparing to american heck 5 times a day russian diet is way too good! just good for EVERYTHING

home sweet HOME

2008-07-30T01:38:15Z

well, i'm waiting for ovation from my relatives, parents, classmates, university professors':
i've sent a request to au-pair agency for ticket on september, 23rd.
poof.
the miracle, the dream, the /// anything is gone,
fucking reality.

well, it's all my fears.
i mean, i DID gotten the ticket and .... well, yeah. I'm not staying for 2nd year.
Now, with my papers from Russian university+TOEFL scores [not sure how much i did] i'll apply for Foothill and see if they need my student visa or they can help me to stay and then transfer to university
my family is moving out on august, 14th so i need to find a place to stay till september 23rd

ammmm.... i'm embarrased to say IHAVE NO IDEA where to go.
yep, i have my boyfrined, but he is not a GOD to help me figure out the whole shocking thing of it.
it's my birthday coming, i'm waiting for miracle.
but the fact about my ticket IS INCREDIBLY BAD.
well, it's life and we all fighters. anyway, my supervisor said i'll get my visa but i have to apply in Russia --- once i'll be accepted to university.
and definitely, i will get a chance to be with my family.
i can't wait to tell it all to my mom. And --- yes, i miss my city.

the dirt, the... snow -september :)
i don't know, for how long will i be gone. And what's going to happen between me and my BF.
well, not everybody knows, but he proposed [while i was in Texas]--- and i said yes---- but then couple days later we had a big fight and i told him to ask me again, this time in person. So--- may be he's going to propose again. With all the beauty. Maybe not.

anyway, now i need to get the TOEFL score+my transfers [they have been delivered, although i haven't been here, so now i need to go to pick them up and i need the car and the car is not available today... God, eerything is too complicated and certainly by the time Albie is back from work it's closed... ] well,life thing. Just get over it.
then i need to go to attorney, translate&lagislate the papers, go to college& apply for transfer+ bring my TOEFL score.

and i alsoneed to work. illegally.

oh, GOD help, i need yourlight on my concussioned head.

nut_asha @ 2008-07-28T11:08:00

2008-07-28T18:08:42Z

Went yesterday to The Dark Knight.

Too bad I didn’t have a chance to jot down my first emotions: it was very bright.

Well, first of all, we were sitting on 3^rd row, right in center and it felt like movie right here with me.

Well, pretty shocking story, I have to say.

The joker guy – great awesome play, bravo!!!! The only thing about him is the actor is dead – he killed himself with overdose – I didn’t really spent enough time on researching it yesterday. And now as I’m sitting here in my room, using my boyfriend’s laptop it cannot be connected to the internet. Super – very exciting.

Anyway.. So yes, I was HORRIFIED. I was sitting there, shacking, either from fear or from AC – I guess both. And the movie is too long- 2,5 hours. It reminded me No country for Old Man, but in enlarged size: more horror, more negative, more deaths. There were the public panic from this Clown Man but also the personal tragedy – the triangle between the attorney guy, the girl and the Batman. I didn’t get who knew who was batman and who didn’t.

Also not that credible the plot about how in the Earth that clown guy could ALONE make so much harm. Yes, he did have deal with mafia, but why didn’t anybody kill him? That’s so strange to me. And even in the very end of the movie, batman didn’t kill him. Why not? Sounds like the director of the movie just wanted this man to leave and keep doing his stuff to people.

I didn’t sleep well this night, thinking and thinking about what I have seen. I also have to say, this movie is overwhelmed with negative emotions, although --- yeah, in the end the guy lost: in the scene with two ferries [how could he figure out and stuffed the ferries with dynamite is another unbelievable thing] when neither one turned the key [yes he had the device to kill both]

Ah, too much deaths and fills like the director was also not that easy guy.. well, just to imagine and spend SO MUCH MONEY on all the special effects and well, all this disasters – not for good, but to show death.. I’m absolutely opposed and I don’t recommend to watch --- well only if you want that producer& director to make money showing death, go for it, but think world can be a better place. I know my entry is not logical and all messed up, out of sense,, but it’s Monday morning and I had SUPERCOOL weekend with my Dear Man, but I’d better spend my money to see WAL-E or Kong Fu Panda rather then death.

Look in the newspaper – everywhere in shows terrorist attacks, pools of blood, deaths, killing, court. I don’t know why am I writing all of it today, but I have to say it’s just one producing another, it goes back and forth, and just can’t be stopped. Well, feels like it. I’m against violence in movies and this total death-promotion. And the fact of Joker Actor suicide proves that we really don’t need this kind of director’s imagination.

TOEFL is cooomingggg

2008-07-08T22:00:24Z

woooooooo!!!!!!
my TOEFL test day is getting closer and closer and closer -- this friday..
Well, i can proudly say that i've completed the book and all the exercises in it. I've studied the words, i've been writing all those essays, listening&reading comprehension, etc.

although i am sure i'm ready, there is something that i always feel before exams. This anxiety that comes somewhere from my stomach. I don't want to eat, but then i feel desperately hungry and i quickly stuff myself with whatever i see. this gives me the rushes on my skin ... makes me break the my nails and do other randomly stupid stuff.

my host family... is busy looking for the house here in Houston. they've decided to move for sure and they quickly figuring out allthe school system, they've just taken children to 3-hour test and now.. they're picking the house to rent for a year. I live in adventure, but i am hoping to get back to CA as sooner as possible. I'm not sure if i'll there for my 21st b-day. I WANT IT SO MUCH>>>>> Al is all in depression about it, but-- what can i do? it feels weird..

I've taken some of the house we're staying in now - it's GORGEOUS!

and, if all the random thoughts started coming to my mind -why not mentioned this.. Yesterday my Host Dad came to me for a talk. He's been telling me all this time how impressed he is with me and my studying [i know, i would just SIT, just press my butt to the couch and STUDY words, do tests, learn, read instead of partying, going to the pool, running around, chatting with boys, etc.] So he asked me a couple times to join their family for a second year, which i refused, but he said he's not offended as he knows and realizes i want something else. -

- Yes, i don't want another au-pair year. What to do? i don't know. More and more i want to go back for a year and be back to university, mostly because of my family - my mom&my grands. They miss me so hard... And i miss them too.
What will i do? well, i'll study and do the tutoring thing just as i've been doing. Then probably get back here -- if it'll be possible. I know usually it's impossible to get back. but probably if i set up my education and THEN leave to russia and change my visa in Russia, then maybe it'll make sense. What to do with Al, i don't know... When i try to tell him this, he starts sobing or arguing with me, so we switch the topic.
BUT! i need to solve this, both sides are pulling me and they pull me in different directions....

So, the Host Dad - he wants to help me with College. He said he is really grateful to me for what i've done for his children and as i want this new step now, he wants to help me make it. And i know he will. So this was a great support. The only thing is to decide WHICH college i want to apply to -- i was actually aiming at Foothill as at 4-year bachelor, but seems to me he was not really happy for me to go there. So now i need to investigate WHERE to apply with my TOEFL score . I know it's so embarrasing to admit that i've been here for a year and have never moved in this direction. I can admit it - it is STUPID OF ME. I AM WRONG. BUT that's why am about to lose the opportunity. and that's why i can't find the family - i simply don't want to do it again.

Al keeps saying: Come back to me, i'm here alone, but feels like he doesn't understand it's not me who decides.... I want to have "legs" in this country. I want to be movable, I'm not sure how much it's going to cost me, but if the price is too high, i'll give up.

mom's tears

2008-07-02T03:09:01Z

my host mom starts to cry when she talks about my moving to another fam.
it's sad...
they're probably staying here in Houstin.
Oh, recession....

I'm listening to Zemfira. It makes the situation even more depressing.

wall-e

2008-06-30T23:57:41Z

who haven't seen the add about wall-e?!
it's been EVERYWHERE and me and kids were OVER excited to see it.
and it was weird. Just... another kid cartoon with a couple of visualized theories about what's gonna happen to Earth, people and computers.
NO FUN.
:( hmmmmm disappointing....

hope

2008-06-29T22:48:09Z

i got an offer from the family i've been DREAMING about.
let's all pray i get it
oh i want to get it

what is love?

2008-04-18T05:48:16Z

what is love for you?
is that thinking of your sweetheart before you going to bed and the first thing comes to mind i nthe morning?
IF THAT"S LOVE, i'm - Michael Jackson [i really mean it]

don't you think, love's more than that, it's smth you never got'to describe, smth DEEP deep inside it's sunshine in your heart, it's ...smile, it's "i'll be here in a minute, Hon" when he needs you,
it's "you sit, i'll make it",
it's happiness
it's joy
it's YELLOW!!!!
it's easy

huh?
who thinks that he's jealous-> he's in love?!
love is out of control, love gives freedom with a blessing and a big trust

hm?

what do you think - just give out a simple sentence
ten words in a row

what does LOVE mean for YOU?

sunday..

2008-02-24T19:25:34Z

everybody busy-busy writing in there journals.. My kid is sick.
she trew up yesterday... i cleaned up the whole house twice.
after i got sick, too.
i was really scared.. she's so little. so sweet, and so sick...

being alone with kids sometimes is really not fun.. :(

well, today is sunday. I'm off. She's still sick..
sometimes i stop and think that i love her so much, i can do everything for that little pilly. stay with her if she's cold, read her story 20 times, give her whenever she asks in order to hear that happy laughter again..

well, that's how kids got spoiled. yeah...

worky day

2008-02-22T05:36:29Z

umf... it was a long day
the whole day in front of the computer
my pure butt... i've got a blister there a....

doing doing doing that homework.. well... getting better. but ah... today was myday off, feels like it was.. ahhh...

well'
i'm tired tired.
and it's only the 25%... so.. well.. don't want to think about next step

wish me luck

oh, listening to radiostation... some songs were like 5 times already sick of it... but way better than just i-tunes..

user pics

2008-02-21T21:45:51Z

being inspired by notrajah's user pics, i've decided - i'm not a looser girl, i want to have NICE pics.

well, not satisfied, still.
but.. i guess... bigger variety...

poopy doggy

2008-02-21T00:09:07Z

and this nice sweety could poop in my room today...
shoot...
still cannot believe it happened ...:(

computer class

2008-02-16T07:44:49Z

it took me like 2-3 hours to make the first 2 parts of lab assignment.
i got 1st really easy, but got stuck on second. Besides, in order to forget and came with a fresh idea i started to watch KVN on youtube.. it took me two hours to stop.. :)
then Lenox came to my room and we were watching funny videos about cats

then i got frustrated cause it simply didn't work, damn!!!!
went up stairs to have something sweet - just about time- 10 p.m. :)
found mom there, told her, that I CANNOT MAKE MY FFFF HOMEWORK on computer class...
then she went up stairs for Keen - i herd him saying something like "Mom, i cannot breathe"..now i realize it was scared, then i just went back downstairs to my homework.
and continued experimenting..
Mom came to my room with suggestion to call her friend so they will help me :)))
so funny!! Exactly like my mom! well, i want to do it on my own!!!!!!!

and finally i did!!!
yep!
sent to teacher, he's already checked, he told me EVERYTHING IS RIGHT!!!!
WHOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOO :)

Now i have like 50 pages on TOEFL h.a. and 2 parts here. also i'm thinking to get back to ESL class, cause they're practicing essays now, so, well...
:)
it's gonna be nice.
oh, mom invited me to come with her tomorrow to some show - very intriguing, we'll see.
her friend, an artist, is having a show and it's gonna be- as far as i concerned- about Hillary..

frankly, sick of politics, but - i'm just curious about the new sphere... :)

nut_asha @ 2008-02-15T13:49:00

2008-02-15T22:00:37Z

still going to make a bike ride and can't take my buttom away from this chair... :))

well, just wanted to say that i love my kids very much!
yesterday i was crushed and after dinner they went to build fort downstairs in playroom, i was alone, nothing to do, set up music and just sat down on the floor next to dogs and cryed...
shoot, i have crying on holidays...

dogs are also cool, they're looking at me, kisses my hands, sweet girls... :))

then i sent kids to take bath, Lilly didn't hear me, i started to shout at her... she cryed... and then i thought,, oh, boy!
it's just MY problems, why these little cute guys i love so much should get bad emotions from me?!

so i apologised, told them i'm grumpy today, so please listen to me right away..
and you know? Madeleine asked: "is that because of Valentine's Day?"
- yes
- don't worry, it happens to me every year [7 y.o.. girl!] i was expected kids at school to dress up nicely and some kids didn't even wear red or pink. it was just like an ordinary day for them. [...]

that brough me to life..
then they started to splash water on me, got my t-shirt all wet, we were lughing, playing, so cute, kissing each other and hugging - i was actually outside the bath tub!

then we read a little story and i decided to stay for a little while in their room, so all three of us fall asleep in one bed, very quickly :)))
I LOVE YOU MY DEAR!!!!! LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!! THANK YOU FOR THE HAPPINESS YOU BRING ME EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!

THE SWEETEST FOUR! :)

relax, take it easy

2008-02-15T21:09:17Z

special for yolka_izh

once it happened to me -
it was my 20th birthday, and was busy running from one place to another and collecting STUPID PAPERS to come here.
i was thrilled and mad at the whole world foir that. i'd better go and rest and be with my friends besides everybody was calling me all the time to ask WHEN WAS I GONNA FINISH that SH**T?

everybody was nervous
nevertheless, that condition of being so tensed didn't work for me - the moment of being with friends seemed to be soooo far away, i had troubles with bank also, they said ''Actually, to get this kind of information takes a month"
but we needed it NOW!!!

so... you probably can imagine how "nice" i was feeling.
and you know what happened?

running up-down stairs, i just suddenly herd "Relax, take it eassssy. cause there's nothing that we can do..."
and you know what? i stopped and smiled - definitely, that burrokrats were killing my birthday's fun, but what could i do about that?!
just take it the way it is!!!

soon miraculously i got the paper - 1 simple paper and we sent everything to the American embassy, in 14 days i easily got Visa and in 7 days i landed on another continent.
it's been almost 6 months as i'm here, feeling happy and nice.
nevertheless i'm having troubles with my private life, i have a man who loves me very much, i have 4 astonishing kids and 2 dearest host perents, who consider me to be their 5th daughter - they told me yesterday again ;))))

so everything is just for the best!

and if you feel discomfort, just TAKE IT EASY and believe in yourself, you can handle, and you DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! :)

RELAX! ;)

weird essay

2008-02-13T06:36:39Z

i've been writing the essay about people's difference in behavior when they are travelling/home

i'm 100% agree people are changing. but it took me two days to think of how can i prove it...

it's hard and TOEFL sometimes seems to me very scary.
that's why i'm trying to use English everywhere and read a lot but..
i'm even writing in my lj {if anyone's noticed!!!!} in English in order to make in simple for me to write and to practice spelling.
well, probably that's the reason nobody's commenting... :)
i know :))
just let me pass it and i'll be normal back.
I know you'll tell me the english in lj is just slang which doesn't have any relation with TOEFL.
well, yes, it's slang for now, but i'm promise to use more advansed vocabulary..
maybe i should try to add english-speaking friends to my blog in order to read and start to use the same words - i figured the one thing is LEARN the MEANING if the word, the other is USE it on your own ...
so.. well, it's ok to learn, it's not ok to deny studies.
that's my conclusion for now

trip schedule

2008-02-12T17:52:55Z

ok, here, one more time for everybody and ME again

MY SCHEDULE for the trip

or it will just make me explode.
with this fight with agency and everything i feel like this trip ... i don't want to say
we'll be fine

ok so here we go.

TO Russia
MARCH 19TH 8-OO AM
SFo-NY, NY-Helsinki, Helsinki-Moscow, Shemetevo
depart time March, 20; 12-05 in MOSCOW.. :)))
nice
now, we have a question   about going from Moscow to Izhevsk
i hate planes and there i have to take what.. 4 planes... OK, I'll be good

so, the plane from Moscow to Izhevsk departs from SVO at 18-55... Supposely, 2 hrs and i'll be home at.. 20-55 which is MARCH 20th; 23-55, Izhevsk time
so..at MIDNIGH... hahahaha :)))

uuuuuuuu!!! :))

and see 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26,27,28 and partly 29th
AT HOME :))))

I need lot's of fun, i want MY SOFA with chinese correctors, my nice sunny room, mommy, grandmom, granddaa, MY CAT!!!, my FRIENDS :), my University, I want clubs, i want yo see some snow, breathe the dirty smocked air of my city, see these hundreds of Russian cars,
Oh, BOY, it's so exciting to think about it!!! :)))
i want Russian food and grandmom's bakery.. ):)) CHAN'GI :)) moi ljubimye, hrustjawie!!! :))))
ahhh
nice nice so good!!!
and these time i will not listen to anyody, i want my CLOTHES BACK!!!! i'm done with shopping every week cause there's nothing to put on!! i'll get a lot!!! if it's old, i'll trough them away, but i need mu clother HERE!!! :)))
and i want so many things from home!! :)))))
ahahahahahah, i want to see everything
go to KUKLY, if it's still open, see the EVERFIRE square

aaaaa, i'm too excited :)))

BACK TO CALIFORNIA
everything finishes @ March,30th
departure time from Moscow 12-55
Shemetevo-Helsinki, Helsinki-NY, NY-SFo.
because of time difference, i'm arriving @ SFo on March,30 at 9-25p.m.
again, we are not sure how to get to Moscow from Izhevsk. Mom insists train. and i should say, i'll probably get it, alhough it's not really cool to go on choo-choo :), but it's not convenient with the plane- it's just a little time between the flights, i have a possibility to miss the plane.
WHICH IS NOT OK.. :)))

so, Here i come , get ready to see what i come :)
and i miss everybody a lot, it's only 36 days to go.
i'm open to your orders for presents, don't be shy tell me what you want :)

clumsy

2008-02-12T05:22:18Z

blin...
che-to pechatala i sluchajno tak okazalos', chto u menja full screen
chto kruto, vidno luchshe, toka blin che delat'-to?!
chuvstvuju sebja prjam kak v tanke i chto mashina mnoj rules, a ne ja ej...

obidno zh blin..